Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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