I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
