Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
