we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
