Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
