Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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