I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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