He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
