he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize