Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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