Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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