Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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