hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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