I'm lost and stupid without you.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
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