I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
