saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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