Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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