I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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