Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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