So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
