mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
