I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize