ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
