Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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