maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize