just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
