so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
