I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
