I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
