Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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