did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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