I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
