I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
