I need to stop coming to work sober
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize