Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
