the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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