I have demons in me.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize