I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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