Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
