Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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