you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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