Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
