I want to stick my p in your. b.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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