she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize