I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
im six kinds of drunk right now
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
