yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
