I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
