I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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