I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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