just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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