apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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