I got chris browned last night
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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