Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
