Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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