Who wears a wallet chain?!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
