I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
